The media coverage of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina was famously awful. A wide variety of extraordinarily false reports were reported as fact, and emergency response efforts were severely hampered by the fear that New Orleans had become a third world war zone, complete with gangs of subhuman infant-rapists roving the halls of the Superdome, dozens of murdered bodies packed into the stadium freezers, anti-aircraft fire, and on, and on.
Doing a little light research on the use of anti-ship mines, I came across this gem, from that ever-reliable journal of news and opinion, the Manchester Guardian:
Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.Dolphins with poison-dart flippers. Classic. Let me just polish up this Pulitzer for you.Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest.
Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since the Cold War. The US Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the US defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly.
Leo Sheridan, 72, a respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry, said he had received intelligence from sources close to the US government's marine fisheries service confirming dolphins had escaped.
'My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises. If divers or windsurfers are mistaken for a spy or suicide bomber and if equipped with special harnesses carrying toxic darts, they could fire,' he said. 'The darts are designed to put the target to sleep so they can be interrogated later, but what happens if the victim is not found for hours?'
Usually dolphins were controlled via signals transmitted through a neck harness. 'The question is, were these dolphins made secure before Katrina struck?' said Sheridan.
You missed, in your summary, that we are *controlling* them. Clearly, Bushitler incorporated them into Operation Rinse Cycle(the plan to flood New Orleans with a global-warming-induced hurricane, natch,) to take care of anyone brave enough to Speak Truth to Power. Lucky for us, evil turns on itself, and they were washed to sea, out of the range of his neck-harness remotes before he could put them to use!
Posted by: Cory | 07 July 2008 at 23:13
This was discussed on Slashdot back when it was reported. The comment threads are hilarious--if a bit heavy on the "frickin' laser beams" jokes.
The first response was, "What could be the porpoise of arming these creatures? Before we starting carping on the ineptitude of our navy, I think we should more carefully exsalmon the situation - they may not be solely at fault. Perhaps Katrina is just a red herring here, and these killer dolphins have been floundering around for months. Maybe some deranged fool let them loose just for the halibut. Whoever is responsible should have their head on a pike."
Despite the humor, there are also a number of commenters pointing to actual military experiments with attack animals--including bomber bats.
Incidentally, the navy does use dolphins and sea lions as sentries, much the way dogs are employed on land.
But the military is too smart to arm those creatures. We all remember what happened to Springfield.
Posted by: Kenneth Pike | 08 July 2008 at 17:47
Actually, the Navy also uses dolphins to find and mark sea mines, which is probably the source of this poor deranged man's ramblings. The have a harness they wear that allows them to activate a signal to the ship, indicating they have located a mine.
Posted by: Cory | 10 July 2008 at 15:15
Geeze, what a crappy job. And here I thought they were just pissed about that whole tuna net misunderstanding. No wonder the dolphins took to hunting us with poisonous darts. d^_~b
Posted by: Kenneth Pike | 10 July 2008 at 20:31